we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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