I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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