There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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