the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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