So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
