if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
