im holly from the hills drunk
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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