You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
