Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
