I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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