mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
