I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
