Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
