i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
