Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
