My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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