he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
