forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
