Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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