I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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