dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
