stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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