The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
