Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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