i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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