he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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