if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
