Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
We're too hungover to prance.
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