She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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