I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
