Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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