do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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