My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
