I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Still dying that you shit outside
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
