If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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