matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
