Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
