So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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