how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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