I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
