Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
