Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
