i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize