I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
