I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
