I don't usually arrange sex via text message
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize