If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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