his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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