sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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