I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
