I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize