He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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