Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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