just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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