Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You left your phone here
Wait...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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