I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
